A dream about lots of old lovers, and he’s mysteriously left out. In a semi-waking state after, wondering guiltily why he wasn’t in it.

A few weeks ago – I’m going to die. I’m with my biofam, trying to tell my dad who to give what to. I think he’s mysteriously left out of this dream too–I can’t leave things to one already dead. I’m wearing N’s dad’s ring for comfort. My dad is making fun of me, and I’m begging them to just listen so they’ll know what to give to who.

The dream in December. She’s going to kill me. My only option is to surrendor. She comes at me. I close my eyes, surrendor internally, peace.

The other dream in December. We’re in prison. I’m in coercive sexual relationship with my cellmate. We fuck, and I have a looong, intense orgasm. He wants me to say something, to pretend everything is okay. I say, “Just because I had an orgasm doesn’t make it any less rape.” He’s furious. I think: just because I love you doesn’t make this any less abuse.

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