With O ten or so days ago – dreamt about getting lots and lots of electric shocks to my finger tips. Kept touching somethin that wasn’t supposed to shock but did.

Last night – writing on the side walk with purple chalk: “As I become more integrated and whole, I am no longer interested in doing things which aren’t integrated.”

A dream about lots of old lovers, and he’s mysteriously left out. In a semi-waking state after, wondering guiltily why he wasn’t in it.

A few weeks ago – I’m going to die. I’m with my biofam, trying to tell my dad who to give what to. I think he’s mysteriously left out of this dream too–I can’t leave things to one already dead. I’m wearing N’s dad’s ring for comfort. My dad is making fun of me, and I’m begging them to just listen so they’ll know what to give to who.

The dream in December. She’s going to kill me. My only option is to surrendor. She comes at me. I close my eyes, surrendor internally, peace.

The other dream in December. We’re in prison. I’m in coercive sexual relationship with my cellmate. We fuck, and I have a looong, intense orgasm. He wants me to say something, to pretend everything is okay. I say, “Just because I had an orgasm doesn’t make it any less rape.” He’s furious. I think: just because I love you doesn’t make this any less abuse.

Trying to hug P. Finally happens. The thinness of his frame. A juice bar. Lemonade.

He was trying to kill me. To make the medical vest get really hot, so I’d die when I put it on. We were in his old apartment. We were staying there, he kept himself locked in Brian’s room, and I slept on the couch. He only came out when he knew I was out of the house. It was days.

sexual assault. i can’t get away from him. finally i get my keys and then he lets me go, doesn’t want me to come at him with a key between my fingers. elevator. he’s not going to hurt me now but i’m so angry that i keep scratching him with it. conflict in my head, he’s no threat to me now but i’m so fucking angry that i want to hurt him, and i do.

parking lot. she steals me phone, talks the battery and sim card, won’t give them back. so i take hers and offer to trade. she says okay, puts her hand in her pocket, and pulls out a gun. points it at my head. i tell her, i don’t know what you want from me. and she says i don’t know either. and i say, i’m not worth going to jail over. she says, i won’t go to jail. and then her friends pull up so she says to me, bc she won’t shoot me with them there, run away from me while you can you poor child. and i do.

two nights ago: on all fours, he’s fucking me, but not the way he does, the way you do. i feel him come, and then get deeper, and then keep going and it’s amazing…

the last few nights

talking to O – we were still broken up but he got in the shower and nodding that i could get in it with him. I still hate showering (in waking life).

a relationship with someone else, so heartbroken over it, we’re hanging out with a group of people and he leaves and I get up for a hug, and this is a friend who is a serious hugger, and he wouldn’t hug me and i was so heartbroken (thanks for that one, brain)

last night, about cancer, being a doctor, all these sick people, was i sick? sick families, crying kids, chips and blue babaganoush in the moonlight. ab exercises.

more O dreams – probably twice a week these days. less nightmares in the past month. started having lots of them around January 2008, 2 or 3 times a week until july, when i started having them every night through october. then more like 3 nights a week.

dreamt about v. about getting friendly messages from her. guess i’m not as okay about it as i thought.

5/28/09

Talking to T for hours and hours.

Alex telling Anna that David “beat the shit” out of her. Talking about all these times he hit her. Anna saying, “If you’d done that, I would’ve beat the shit out of you too” and “you deserved it”.

5/29/09

Him and his facebook picture, with some girl.

5/28/09

I know I dreamed about him, but what? Or maybe it’s that I think about him in my sleep, as opposed to dreaming. Often I’m thinking of him before I wake up.

Dreamt about Kate, trying on dresses with her, or looking for dresses anyway, lots of ugly ones, ones that make your boobs look pointy.

What else? Many dreams last night, woke up in the middle of the night trying to remember. Something about locations, about being in a certain house, but I am not sure whose.